Noise was my Chocolate; what’s Yours?

I distinctly remember a time when I was proud of the fact that I could multitask in the nosiest of situations.  I would pride myself for being able to read a book while the TV was blaring, my children were playing rambunctiously down the hall and the dog was barking while chasing the hissing cats. Sounds peaceful right?

How was this so?  How could I filter all that was going on around me –  to read and digest what I was reading?

I think the better question,  is why. Why was I doing this? You see, I had become a master at managing noise.  In fact the more the better.  noise_729-620x349For years I would never be alone in silence with my thoughts.  To ensure that I didn’t have to be alone and in silence, I would simply add noise.  If the house was quiet I would turn the radio and the TV on to fill the void and busy my mind.

Some who knew me when I was younger, working in a call center, might say that was why I was able to multitask so well.  After all, working in a call center does take a certain amount of discipline and focus.  Being able to tune others out is definitely a benefit and required to complete tasks.  While working in the call center I worked with a team of seventy other people each shift. Their cubicles surrounding mine on either side; and although the cubicles were manufactured to reduce sound, I am here to tell you, mine was sound generating.   The call center is not where I learned to manage and harness noise.

No, the call center had nothing to do with my ability to manage noise – nothing at all.

I used noise, as a coping mechanism. If my mind was being bombarded with noise – I wasn’t afraid. Afraid of being found, discovered and therefore, I felt safer.  I was actually afraid to be alone and in silence.  Noise was my best friend, my go to, my comfort food – if you will.

Much as someone might use chocolate, chocolate ice cream, cake or potato chips to distract ones self. I used noise. Cold-Chocolate-Ice-Cream-chocolate-34691505-616-462

Noise allowed me to focus on the task at hand rather than the fear (real or imagined)  or past sadness.  I’m not sure when or how noise became my coping mechanism, I’m not even really sure, I knew back then that I used noise as a frock.

For decades, the last thing in the world I wanted was to be alone in silence with my thoughts.  I took measures to ensure this was so – if the house was quiet I would turn on the radios and the TV – to avoid the silence.

Often when I overheard others speak about meditation and silence and how much they loved it, I couldn’t understand what the draw was. Sure, I too like Yoga and Pilates – I especially liked bending myself into a human pretzel but then the instructors would spoil it – with the need for us to be silent. What was this need to be silent about?  You know what they say about an idle mind?

Why did we need to go inside and reflect? After all,  I was doing my darnedest to keep my frocks on and make sure no one knew anything.  Silence was no where near golden for me; instead, it was frightening and threatening.

An interesting thing happened when I began writing  Frock Off: Living Undisguised in 2007, silence became less a threat and more a comforting friend.  I wrote in silence and during that time I  began to realize I used noise to protect me as a frock.

Gradually I began to crave the peace and release silence offered. I found myself seeking ways to get quiet to just BE.

Over time the frock I once donned about silence faded away. It wasn’t overnight, it would take years.  Just like the frock of weight, when we use food to cope, it takes time to shed the pounds we accumulate in protection. It took time to shed my irrational belief that silence was deadly; and to replace that ill-serving frock, with the fabulous frock that silence is a gift, a time to reconnect with our heart, our purpose and our soul.

This past weekend I was sitting in silence in the early morning hours and I flashed back to a time when I would have had to fill the silence with noise.  Yet here I was sitting in complete  glorious, fabulously, yummy, frock-alicious silence.  I celebrated with a cup of tea and rejoiced that this frock of fear that once required me to fill silence was gone forever.

Reflections of change

Frock off Reflection heads shot me...Early to rise this morning, 5:05 am, the house is so silent, even Bella (seven month old puppy) and Tequila (three year old cat) are still sound asleep. It is rare, this silence, it is beautiful and soul filling.

My mind and heart filled with excitement for all that is to come of the day, the month, the year. Living in disguise for 35+ years now behind me.

So freeing, is it, to stand tall in the knowledge it is over. I am free at last to be, to shine and to do what my true calling is, without repercussions.

As I reflect this morning I find myself wondering – what if I had never shared my story. What if I had stayed locked in my own jail of fear, of death, shame and guilt?

We choose to BE who we are. Frock Off: Living Undisguised is the story of many frocks and triumph! 

We each deserve to be happy and live frock-less, to live a frock-alicious life. 

Imagine if everyone could just BE without frocks or fear.

POWERFUL, so powerful would be the change!  

Frocks we all have them.

We all have stories and frocks. Isn’t it time to detox our frocks?  Love this song by Train for it’s truth.  Bruises

I was so honored to have been interviewed by Anne Miner on.  Women of Courage

Anne Miner is a change agent and is providing voice to those whose story needs to be heard and shared.

Looking forward to seeing you soon. Wondering when I am coming your way?http://

Chat soon until then Stay Frock-less!